HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Treat Yourself to Some Special Care All Year Long

Mother's Day is, perhaps, the only day of the year that we give ourselves permission to take care of our own needs first. But, taking care of ourselves is important all year long.  As the mom, we set the emotional tone for our family.  If mom is happy, the family is happy. If mom is grumpy, the children are grumpy. 

We can only be truly happy if your needs are being met. Taking care of a family is the biggest job in the world, and to give it our best, we must be at your best.  To be at our best, you must give ourself the best care. Don't let your self care end just because Mother's Day is over. 

Furthermore, the example we set of an adult woman will be the one our children hold on to and copy. If we allow yourself to be taken advantage of or taken for granted, if we sacrifice our own well being and allow our health to be compromised, our daughters will probably do the same and this is what our sons will expect their own wives. Make sure you offer your children the example you want them to emulate. Here are some ideas to take special care of yourself.

• Take a Bubble Bath
• Spend an Hour Reading a Book
• Allow Yourself a Guilt-Free Nap
• Give Yourself 30 Minutes to Meditate
• Exercise for 15 minutes
• Watch Your Favorite Movie
• Take Walk By Yourself
• Buy Yourself Flowers 

Feeling Closer to your Partner
Comments by Linda

Many marital conflicts occur because of the different perceptions men and women may have about what is needed during times of stress. Quite often a man sincerely believes that offering advice and telling his wife what to do about a problem is the best way to help her. On the other hand, women, usually want to connect and feel closer to others during times of stress. Being heard, understood and validated helps us feel cared about and our stress is reduced, even though no solution to the problem was achieved. Some emerging research indicates that there is a true biological reason for this. We will discuss this in upcoming issues. If you are interested, check out sources for the Tend and Befriend response.

Research consistently indicates that the quality of our relationships (friendly, as well as intimate) has an important effect on our mental, emotional and physical health. Men and women who are satisfied with their marriages have few health problems overall. That is why the communication of couples is so important. Few things nurture healthy relationships and healthy marriages like the closeness that comes from feeling understood.

Harville Hendrix, marriage therapist and author of “getting the love you want” has simplified effective listening skills into a simple, easy to learn, three step sequence he calls the Imago dialog. For more information on how his treatments heal marriages visit his website, Getting the Love You Want. If you wish to use this in your marriage or couple relationship, I suggest that you consult the website or the book first. You can then explain what you are expecting.

The first step in the process for couples is to request that time be set aside to have the dialogue. The partner who made the request then tells the other what is bothering her and the listening partner follows the steps outlined below.

• Mirroring: This is reflecting back what you hear and checking out whether your mirroring is accurate. You can paraphrase what was heard and or restate the feeling words that were used. As hard as it may be, Do NOT offer solutions yet. Now is not the time. Just focus on what is being said. When the other seems to have said all she wishes to say you can ask, “Is there any more you want to tell me?”
• Validating: This is not necessarily expressing your agreement, but letting the other know that what was said makes sense to you. You may not like what was said, it may cause you anxiety, you may have a different opinion or you may see the situation differently, but once you understand the other’s perceptions, the feelings ALWAYS make sense. “You thought I was ignoring you, so I can really understand why you were angry”. Avoid imposing your perception such as “You were mad because you say I was ignoring you, but you know how you always exaggerate and then end up feeling sorry for yourself”. This will prompt the other to begin defending the angry and hurt feelings, rather than finding ways to move past them.
• Empathy: Communicate that you understand the feelings. Put yourself in in the others shoes. “I imagine that you felt alone and sad.” This does not have to an elaborate statement, because you have probably already communicated you empathy through the previous steps. It may be helpful to keep in mind that there are really about four basic emotions: Mad, glad, sad, scared. The rest of our feelings are combinations of these with a few thoughts mixed in. Focusing on these four emotions makes it easy to identify feelings accurately.

 It is important to be patient and gentle with yourself and your partner. This does take some practice, and does not come as easily to many people. Make sure you express your appreciation and encouragement to your partner for his efforts. With perseverance, this dialogue is highly effective in healing and maintaining close relationships. 

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