Active Listening For Moms

Active listening can be very helpful in all of our relationship and is particularly useful for moms in conversations with their children. If a child is having struggles such as conflicts with peers, is frustrated or sad about something, often the best thing a mom can do is just listen. Active listening is a way of listening that tells the child that what he is saying, his feelings and experience really matter.

The concept of active listening comes from the work of psychologist, Carl Rogers. Through active listening, we pay attention as an observer, not as a judge. When a mom encourages her children to express themselves, free of judgment, they become less defensive, can look more objectively at the situations and then make better decisions. If we try to convince our children that they should not be angry or sad, they will probably focus their energy on defending these feelings, rather than finding ways to move past them. When emotions are just accepted, children (and adults too) no longer need to defend them and can problem solve more effectively.

Here is a list of specific active listening skills from the Center for Rural Studies 

• Attending, acknowledging: Providing verbal or non-verbal awareness of the other, such as eye contact.
• Restating, paraphrasing: Responding to person's basic verbal message
• Reflecting: Reflecting feelings, experiences, or content that has been heard or perceived through cues.
• Interpreting: Offering a tentative interpretation about the other's feelings, desires, or meanings.
• Summarizing, synthesizing: Bringing together in some way feelings and experiences; providing a focus.
• Probing: Questioning in a supportive way that requests more information or that attempts to clear up confusions.
• Giving feedback: Sharing perceptions of the other's ideas or feelings; disclosing relevant personal information.
• Supporting: Showing warmth and caring in one's own individual way.
• Checking perceptions: Finding out if interpretations and perceptions are valid and accurate.
• Being quiet: Giving the other time to think as well as to talk .
  
  

Harville Hendrix, marriage therapist and author of “Getting the Love You Want” has simplified these listening skills into an easy to learn, three step sequence he calls the Imago dialog. Although this technique was design for couple relationships, I have found it to be very helpful in parenting. For more information on using this technique with your partner or husband visit our page on Women’s Health or visit the Getting the Love You Want website.

Here are the three steps and how they can be used by moms to actively listen to their children.

Mirroring: This is reflecting back what you hear your child saying and checking out whether your mirroring is accurate. You can paraphrase what was heard and or restate the feeling words that were used. “It sounds like you were trying as hard as you could, but no one noticed. Is that right? Am I understanding what you are saying?” “It sounds as if this is confusing and you are not sure what to do. Is that right?” As hard as it may be, avoid offering solutions yet. Now is not the time. Just focus on what is being said. When your child seems to have said all she wishes to say you can ask, “Is there any more you want to tell me?”

Validating: This does not mean that a mom has to agree, only let the child know that what was said makes sense to you. You may not like what was said, it may cause you anxiety, you may have a different opinion or you may see the situation differently, but once you understand the child’s perceptions, the feelings ALWAYS make sense. “You thought I was ignoring you, so I can really understand why you were angry”. or “You were finding it really hard to wait your turn, so I can understand how you felt frustrated”.

Empathy: Communicate that you understand the feelings. Put yourself in the child’s shoes. “I imagine that you felt alone and sad.” This does not have to an elaborate statement, because you have probably already communicated you empathy through the previous steps. It may be helpful to keep in mind that there are really about four basic emotions: Mad, glad, sad, scared. The rest of our feelings are combinations of these with a few thoughts mixed in. Focusing on these four emotions makes it easy to identify feelings accurately.

Once you have gone through the mirroring, validating and empathizing, then you begin the problem solving. Avoid imposing your own solution. Ask open ended questions, such as “What do you think would work?”. “What are things that have worked in the past?” You can make suggestions in an open ended way, “I was wondering if you thought that _______ would work? What do you think?” Handling problems this way tells children that we have confidence in them. This is one of the best gifts a mom can give her child. 

                            
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