Reasons to Take Care of Yourself

As the mom, you set the emotional tone for your family. You know this is true! If mom is happy, the family is happy. If mom is grumpy, the children are grumpy.

You can only be truly happy if your needs are being met. Taking care of a family is the biggest job in the world, and to give it your best, you must be at your best.  To be at your best, you must give yourself the best care.

Furthermore, the example you set of an adult woman will be the one your children hold on to and copy. If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of or taken for granted, if you sacrifice your own well being and allow your health to be compromised, your daughters will probably do the same and this is what your sons will expect their own wives. Make sure you offer your children the example you want them to emulate.

       

**Please remember that no part of this page or website is intended to take the place of professional or medical advice.  We are providing limited information.  We are not attempting to diagnosis or treat any illnesses or disorder.  Please contact a qualified  professional, regarding any health or mental health need. **

 
Asserting Yourself for Better Health

Last month we presented an article on Depression in Women. Click here to read it. This is an important topic for all moms, because our emotional and mental health has a direct impact on the health of our family. 

Although, the causes of depression are complex, one factor can be a sense of powerlessness.  Believing that we can get what we want and need, is one of the best antidotes to powerlessness.   It is for this reason I am presenting you with a specific technique for asserting yourself. 

Asserting ourselves to get what we want is often hard for women, especially for moms.  But, for your family's, sake is important, because if mom is not happy nobody is happy.  The technique below was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D as part of her overall Dialectical Behavioral Therapy treatment for people with some pretty serious emotional and mental disorders.

This does not mean that this technique is just for those who are ill.  Most of her treatments emphasize life skills, that are used by healthy and effective people all over the world. 

This skill for interpersonal effectiveness uses the acronym DEAR MAN to help us remember each step.

D: Describe the situation. Try to keep it simple and to the point. Men and children stop paying attention if you become too wordy. Avoid statements that judge and blame.

E: Express your feelings or opinions about the situation.

A: Assert your wishes. Ask for what you want. No judging or blaming the other person for not knowing.

R: Reinforce. Reward the other person for respecting you or explain why your request would benefit both of you

M: Mindful-remain mindful of what you want. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted. Don‘t focus on unrelated issues the other person brings up.

A: Act confident--you have every right to ask for what you want

N: Negotiate--Be willing to listen to alternatives or ask the other person for suggestions.

 Example: Here is what this might sound like if, for example, you wanted more help with clean up after dinner.

• Describe the situation: “I have been expected to clean up the kitchen each night after dinner.” Don’t say things like, “No one cares about how much work I have to do.” “Nobody ever helps me.” “You are so lazy and selfish”, etc, you know the drill.
• Express your feelings or opinions about the situations: “I do not want to do it anymore.” or “I become frustrated, because then I don’t have time (or energy) to do other things that are important to me.”
• Assert your wishes: “I would like you to clean up after dinner.” “I want your help in organizing the kids to do the kitchen clean up.”
• Reinforce or reward: “Thank you so much for taking this seriously” or “If I get your cooperation on this, I will have more energy (time or interest) to devote to …” or “If I can get your help with this, I will be in a much better mood in the evening.”
• Mindful: “That is a concern for another time, right now I want to find a solution to the kitchen clean up.” Avoid bringing up other grievances or frustrations yourself.
• Act confident: Use phrases such as “I want…”, “I would like…”
• Negotiate:  "If every night does not work, maybe we can try every other night." or "Let's try it for a week and see how it works".

Keep it simple. Adult women are the most verbally skilled creatures on Earth. We are often not aware that other members of our family have little patience or interest in our long explanations, the full account of our thought processes, the pros and cons and the variables that we carefully weighed when making this request.  It can be helpful to write down what you plan to say, read through it and then cross off all the unnecessary details. 

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